Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
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You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Hard not to take this personally
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Yoga Matt
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what