@_davidlucas_

Calm down, Windows Update. I’ll restart my computer during work time.

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@juliussharpe

A new study shows dolphins have great memory. Memories include “Swam in water” and “Ate”.

@UncleDuke1969

*draws a line in the sand*

*looks at the line in the sand*

*decides that it might be time to vacuum*

@LnL245

M: Um, you just spelled “qwerty” as “querty”.
H: So?
M: Look at the keyboard.
H: And?

M: [Breaking fourth wall look to camera]

@realfunghi

The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?

Baby Moon.

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re an elephant.

Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!

God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.

Elephant: oh wow!

God: I know right?

Elephant: am I the loudest?

God: lol goodness no.

Elephant: well who is?

God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )

@pilau

me: you ever have conversations in your head?

me: lmao no

@six_2_and_even

The only reason to ever wear a shirt in the summer is to have a place to tuck a paper towel in when you’re eating spaghetti FACT

@jazmasta

BREAKING: Olympic athlete stripped of medal after urine sample shows traces of rubber, which is a band substance

@yonewt

Alexa, which cat breeds are the most absorbent?

@pieceofchat

Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.