A new study shows dolphins have great memory. Memories include “Swam in water” and “Ate”.
Calm down, Windows Update. I’ll restart my computer during work time.
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*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
M: Um, you just spelled “qwerty” as “querty”.
M: Look at the keyboard.
M: [Breaking fourth wall look to camera]
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
The only reason to ever wear a shirt in the summer is to have a place to tuck a paper towel in when you’re eating spaghetti FACT
BREAKING: Olympic athlete stripped of medal after urine sample shows traces of rubber, which is a band substance
Alexa, which cat breeds are the most absorbent?
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.