Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
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I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else