Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
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(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
at ease…shoulder.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*