Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
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outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
No regrets in 2018
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho