“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
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Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Beware of fowl play.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
wow he looks just like him
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep