Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
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still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
you stereotypes are all alike
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.