Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
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In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Shorty got
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🔘 all of the above
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?