Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
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Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse