@Scott_A_Gilmore

Came home from work early and caught my inflatable girlfriend cheating on me with the beachball.

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@TankCesar

*murderer looking for me*
Murderer: I’m just a poor boy nobody loves me…
Me under bed: *cry sings* He’s just a poor boy from a poor family

@SteussieErica

“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.

@DadBeard

By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?

@JustBeingEmma

My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?

@david8hughes

Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”

@lazerdoov

Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot

@YourMomsucksTho

Gather close, children, as i tell a horrific tale of using a separate contraption from your phone called a camera, taking the roll of film out, driving to a photo lab, putting it in an envelope, dropping it in a bin, and then waiting 7-10 days to see pictures unless they lost it.

@daemonic3

Pizza Hut: May I take your order?

Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?

Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.

@MommaUnfiltered

Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???

Dog: meh

Me *falls asleep*

Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out