@Scott_A_Gilmore

Came home from work early and caught my inflatable girlfriend cheating on me with the beachball.

You Might Also Like

@Dirty_Naomi

2 Jehovah’s witnesses knocked earlier, so I invited them in. I gave 1 the hoover & 1 a mop.

If they can do Gods work, they can do mine.

@mishakey

You know those disgusting people who lick their fingers instead of using a napkin in public? Hi.

@eedrk

doctor: you know how to measure your bowel movements
me: yeah of course
doctor: you weigh yourself before and after
me: [15 Sec pause] yeah

@MissHavisham

“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night

@dafloydsta

INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?

ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.

@MNateShyamalan

harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard

dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you

harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-

dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows

harry: hell ya

dumbledore: one is your blankey

@Sickayduh

Top Gun (PG) – 1986

A military jet suffers thru two arrogant pilots’ bro-speak until finally fighting back, killing one of them – 110 mins

@awkwardenabled

Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten

Anyway, thought of you