People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Came home from work early and caught my inflatable girlfriend cheating on me with the beachball.
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2 Jehovah’s witnesses knocked earlier, so I invited them in. I gave 1 the hoover & 1 a mop.
If they can do Gods work, they can do mine.
You know those disgusting people who lick their fingers instead of using a napkin in public? Hi.
doctor: you know how to measure your bowel movements
me: yeah of course
doctor: you weigh yourself before and after
me: [15 Sec pause] yeah
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
People ask me questions like I’m listening
Top Gun (PG) – 1986
A military jet suffers thru two arrogant pilots’ bro-speak until finally fighting back, killing one of them – 110 mins
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you