*murderer looking for me*
Murderer: I’m just a poor boy nobody loves me…
Me under bed: *cry sings* He’s just a poor boy from a poor family
Came home from work early and caught my inflatable girlfriend cheating on me with the beachball.
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“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Gather close, children, as i tell a horrific tale of using a separate contraption from your phone called a camera, taking the roll of film out, driving to a photo lab, putting it in an envelope, dropping it in a bin, and then waiting 7-10 days to see pictures unless they lost it.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out