*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
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I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.