came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
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I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
also my go-to takeaway order
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.