CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?

CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..

CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that

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“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou


Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.


me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one

customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon

me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member


May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]


People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.


I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.


[in doomsday bunker]

wife: we’re out of food

me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive

chicken: yes but who?