
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Camo is proper for any occasion. It’s good for drinkin’ beers, huntin’ deers and scarin’ queers. Merica.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
me: SHOW ME WHERE IT SAYS `NO CATS ALLOWED’
thats not a cat its a king cobra & it just went into the ballpit
me: Bitey loves kids doe
Wife: Maybe its time for “the talk”
Me: Ok. Son, cops can’t bust you for the drugs you’ve done, just the drugs you have.
Her: Not that talk!
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Real Road Signs
(What they mean)“Rough road”
(Road sucks)“Construction zone”
(Unattended orange cone zone)“Lanes shift”
(Confusing af)