@SortaBad [giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
@CloydRivers Camo is proper for any occasion. It’s good for drinkin’ beers, huntin’ deers and scarin’ queers. Merica.
You Might Also Like
@SortaBad 
@TheToddWilliams ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
@OctopusCavemann [Alternate Universe Where Lassie Hated Timmy]
Ruth: Lassie, have you seen Timmy?
Lassie: *puts out cigarette* Nope
@robdelaney Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
@TeejayRush Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
@BooFricketyHoo Dried up sea monkeys taste nothing like chicken. Related: Never ever put your kids seamonkey packets near your cup o’noodles packets. Ever.
@torahhorse support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
@djdarrellripley Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
@NervousJr Hey everyone who says aliens don’t exist.
Explain morning people.
@girl_a_whirl The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.