Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
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SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.