[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Camo is proper for any occasion. It’s good for drinkin’ beers, huntin’ deers and scarin’ queers. Merica.
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ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
[Alternate Universe Where Lassie Hated Timmy]
Ruth: Lassie, have you seen Timmy?
Lassie: *puts out cigarette* Nope
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Dried up sea monkeys taste nothing like chicken. Related: Never ever put your kids seamonkey packets near your cup o’noodles packets. Ever.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Hey everyone who says aliens don’t exist.
Explain morning people.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.