Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
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Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–