@ThugRaccoons Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
@ClichedOut [campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
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@ThugRaccoons 
@Spaziotwat [*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
@BradBroaddus I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
@junejuly12 [First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
@InternetHippo I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
@RoosterMustache “Where’d my boomerang go?”
Under there
“Under where?”
Hahaha I just made you say “underwear”
*boomerang hits me in the back of the head*
@joejwest COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
@arwenlothbrok Me socialising: terrible.
Me socialising with alcohol: terrible, but with enthusiasm.
@SkinnerSteven I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
@Elizasoul80 5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.