Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
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My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Your favourite character is Baby Yoda. Mine is Darth Vader. We are not the same.
me: then why is your slogan “finger lickin’ go-”
kfc clerk: -your own fingers.
This guy in this waiting room is talking to me.
I’m gonna marry him so he’ll leave me alone.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
the early bird gets the worm but so does the bird that gets outta bed around 1pm because there are plenty of worms out there believe me
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?