[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
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you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Have kids, they said
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
this came to me in a vision
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.