@tweetsvisual

Camping and I have a lot in common. For starters, we are both stupid.

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@Browtweaten

Friend: Why are you crying?

Me: I’m having trouble dealing with my mom’s passing

Mom: *chucks football* Learn to catch and you won’t get hit, nerd

@1Bad_Scientist

Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.

@ElizaBayne

There’s no I in anxiety. Wait. Yes there is. Oh my god oh my god oh my god

@_elvishpresley_

They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong

@Sweet_Leafs_

I have said it before. I will at it again. If anyone is into wife swapping. I will take a dirtbike or a puppy. Hit me up.

@Birdhumms

You should never lie through your teeth. Open your mouth and speak properly.

@mjkspeaks

How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?

@MissSassy_Pants

Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]

6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!

Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!

6yo: yeah ri-

Me: [collapses]

@murrman5

me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals

@TheMichaelRock

Me: We need to hire smarter people.

HR: Why?

Me: Is there someone smarter I can talk to about this?

HR…