Friend: Why are you crying?
Me: I’m having trouble dealing with my mom’s passing
Mom: *chucks football* Learn to catch and you won’t get hit, nerd
Camping and I have a lot in common. For starters, we are both stupid.
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Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
There’s no I in anxiety. Wait. Yes there is. Oh my god oh my god oh my god
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
I have said it before. I will at it again. If anyone is into wife swapping. I will take a dirtbike or a puppy. Hit me up.
You should never lie through your teeth. Open your mouth and speak properly.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Me: We need to hire smarter people.
Me: Is there someone smarter I can talk to about this?