You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
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Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”