CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
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imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.