Camping tip: No.
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Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either