[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
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[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.