ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
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I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.