@decentbirthday

[camping]

me: why can’t i find any animals

wife: the wildlife is very conservative here

deer: climate change is a myth

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@didifalldown

[Robot Uprising]

Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822

@KentWGraham

I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.

@notviking

“always save your grocery bags,” my parents told me. “you never know when you might need them.” i now have thousands of bags. it is an ever-growing mass that cannot be stopped. at this point i don’t have any room for food so i must eat the bags. they become angry.

@underchilde

Do doctors actually use drugs to induce comas or is it just easier if they start talking about golf?

@KeetPotato

wife: dont do anything stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?

@markedly

Cop: why were you speeding

Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me

@girlontapas

My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.

Him: Being a teenager is tough.

Me: *sigh* I’m 40.

@wittwitbarista

Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.

@AbleLikes

My new cardio routine is just me frantically tearing apart the living room couch looking for the remote, while I Am Legend plays in the background, and my kids scream “The dog scene us coming up! THE DOG SCENE! MOOOOOM!!!!”

@VeggieMonger

My mother said that I looked “cheap” with my bra showing underneath my clothes – so I took my bra off.