[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
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When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?