me: why can’t i find any animals

wife: the wildlife is very conservative here

deer: climate change is a myth

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[Robot Uprising]

Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822


I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.


“always save your grocery bags,” my parents told me. “you never know when you might need them.” i now have thousands of bags. it is an ever-growing mass that cannot be stopped. at this point i don’t have any room for food so i must eat the bags. they become angry.


Do doctors actually use drugs to induce comas or is it just easier if they start talking about golf?


wife: dont do anything stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?


Cop: why were you speeding

Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me


My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.

Him: Being a teenager is tough.

Me: *sigh* I’m 40.


Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.


My new cardio routine is just me frantically tearing apart the living room couch looking for the remote, while I Am Legend plays in the background, and my kids scream “The dog scene us coming up! THE DOG SCENE! MOOOOOM!!!!”


My mother said that I looked “cheap” with my bra showing underneath my clothes – so I took my bra off.