Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
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My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
I wish I could veto my bills.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
me, after any kind of buffet.