Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
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it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
I don’t make the rules sorry
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.