@PwrFulWmn

Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.

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@pilau

wife: our beautiful baby girl

me: she’s got your eyes

wife: and your nose

Gimili: and my axe

@chick_in_kiev

the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall

@JohnLyonTweets

[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.

@MommaUnfiltered

Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.

@leshnevsky

Scars make a man handsome? Bathe your cat every day and you’ll become the sexiest man in the city very soon!

@Ygrene

What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?

“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly

@CaucasianJames

Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast

Me: eggs

Doctor:

Me: ok reese’s eggs

@TheAndrewNadeau

SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.

ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.

SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.