My guardian angel deserves a raise
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
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wife: our beautiful baby girl
me: she’s got your eyes
wife: and your nose
Gimili: and my axe
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Scars make a man handsome? Bathe your cat every day and you’ll become the sexiest man in the city very soon!
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: ok reese’s eggs
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.