Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
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Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
crying
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter