Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Can any of you read your Chinese food bill? Looks like they charged me for a chicken lo-mein, a python, Africa, and a diet Coke.
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*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
if we’re on a date and you’re rude to the waiter I’d be like holy shit I’m on a date
“For God’s sex, stop making fun of my English.”
I’m at my most spiderman when using a public restroom
It turns out no one likes “the real me” and they have asked the priest to reverse my exorcism.
*washes up on a deserted island
*swims back out to sea