Can any of you read your Chinese food bill? Looks like they charged me for a chicken lo-mein, a python, Africa, and a diet Coke.

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Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.


*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*

I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.


It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.


I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old

*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*


Am I even in the right parking lot?


To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.


if we’re on a date and you’re rude to the waiter I’d be like holy shit I’m on a date


“For God’s sex, stop making fun of my English.”



It turns out no one likes “the real me” and they have asked the priest to reverse my exorcism.