@Eden_Eats

Can anyone recommend a good book to tell people I’m reading?

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@MikeCanRant

There is no law that says you can’t smoke celery inside public places. What are they gonna do? Ask you to extinguish your celery? Doubtful.

@SentenceReduced

[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]

@lawking30

She asked for my name, if I’m alone, had me remove belt/shoes & take out what I have in my pants. Interactions w/TSA agents are underrated.

@WheelTod

Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.

@ariscott

Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.

@rebrafsim

6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it

4:09am, June 14, 2029: no

@Audenary

ME: Who is your favourite philosopher?

PROFESSOR: It’s Hume.

ME: Sorry – whom is your favourite philosopher?

@DothTheDoth

Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.

@CastAwayKristen

NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.

@HenpeckedHal

To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.