Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
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ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣