Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
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Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Stickiest things in the world:
1) Children’s library books
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
‘miss, it says here that your debt is outstanding’
oh yeah? well i think your debt is pretty cool too
“I’m just going through some stuff right now” -ghosts probably