@figgled

Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off

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@Mr_Kapowski

Coworker: Summer plans?
Me: Hell yeah. Rock shows galore
CW: Def Leppard, Guns N Roses?
Me: *thinks to amethysts and pyrite on brochure* Yea

@LeonEarlgrey

Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.

@lisaxy424

Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters

Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s

@KalvinMacleod

RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband

@drinksmcgee

*girl at the end of the bar winks at me

*I wink back

*she pouts at me

*I pout back

*she drools

Waitress: Call 911! She’s had a stroke!

@turkeyheadmac

Ever noticed how fast people walk across the road when you don’t apply the brakes

@tsm560

It’s not much of a tattoo. More of an inkling.

@Shen_the_Bird

criminal: oh no it’s lobster man

lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch

criminal: [takes out rubber bands]

lobster man: oh god no

@Cpin42

I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”

@BPMbadassmama

I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.