@figgled

Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off

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@juneohara65

Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”

@Book_Krazy

[1st date]

Him: We share perfect chemistry!

Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*

@MrSpoonicorn

why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward

@Tmoney68

When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.

@JulieSnark

*Handed a baby*

Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?

@FatherWithTwins

Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books

@showersthinker

Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.

@hippieswordfish

*bank*
‘miss, it says here that your debt is outstanding’

*twirls hair*
oh yeah? well i think your debt is pretty cool too

@buttgh0st

“I’m just going through some stuff right now” -ghosts probably