Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
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The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*