Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?

-People who are about to piss you off

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Maybe the dinosaur extinction was a murder suicide by the T-Rex. If I couldn’t jerk off because my arms were to short I’d kill everyone too.


Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?

Wife: get a babysitter.


Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!


Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.


[grocery store robbery]

ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*

ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*


Selfie attempt: come hither look

Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm


If you love someone, set them free.

When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.


WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?

ME: [current world hula champion] You can try


People I hate when I’m driving:

1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.


ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus