Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
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Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.