Maybe the dinosaur extinction was a murder suicide by the T-Rex. If I couldn’t jerk off because my arms were to short I’d kill everyone too.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
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Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus