Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?

-People who are about to piss you off

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I walked out naked one time and she’s like wtf. And I’m like this is how god made me! And she’s like no that’s how beer and tacos made you.


I can undo a bra with two fingers and no eyes but can’t tie a tie with both hands and a 6 minute video tutorial.


My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.


The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”


Wait, is Obama our second black President or our first black President again?


Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?

Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so

Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd


Go away kid, I don’t have bubble wrap.

That was just the sound my knees make when I stand up


i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things


WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you