“Can I borrow your charger?”

Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*

“I meant for my iPhone.”

Me: Oh, hell no.

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Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.


Convince new friends into thinking you’re a doctor by turning off taps with your elbows


[packing for work trip]

“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”


I routinely take 8 flights of stairs for no other reason than to avoid idle chit chat in the elevator.

See, hating people can be healthy!


Some call it a fashion show. I call it my kids changing their shorts 8 times a day for no reason and leaving them all over the house…


I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.



me: *places my natural charisma gently on the ground*


This is what it sounds like when cats cry

– The inventor of bagpipes