Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
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Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
YELLOW HIPPO: (whispering to red hippo) I’m not your enemy. Marble scarcity is a myth spread by humans to turn us against each other.
To avoid “the talk” I just convinced my 6yo that we got her from Amazon.
My tweets don’t get the attention they used to. I’ve seen more stars after getting my head slammed into the headboard.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
this is from a book called the bible
Now that Steve Jobs is gone we’ll never ever know why c**t autocorrects to Cynthia.
WHO WAS CYNTHIA?!?
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.