Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
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Convince new friends into thinking you’re a doctor by turning off taps with your elbows
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
I routinely take 8 flights of stairs for no other reason than to avoid idle chit chat in the elevator.
See, hating people can be healthy!
Some call it a fashion show. I call it my kids changing their shorts 8 times a day for no reason and leaving them all over the house…
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: *places my natural charisma gently on the ground*
“She is not fine.”
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes