I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
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CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
French child going down a slide: yyyeeeeesss