@SirEviscerate

Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.

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@AndyAsAdjective

I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.

I’m like an Almostradamus.

@Reverend_Scott

CAT 911: What’s your emer-

CAT: THE PERSON PET ME

CAT 911: What were you doing?

CAT: SLEEPING

CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE

CAT: I HATE PEOPLE

@teeaysmith

Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.

@bridger_w

I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car

@TheToddWilliams

ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you

LION: I just have one of those familiar faces

ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with

@mrsmith196645

I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.

@david8hughes

God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’

@msmollybee25

Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.