Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
You Might Also Like
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.