@PatsATweetin
Dracula: Magic Mirror on the wall, who now is the fairest one of all?
Magic Mirror: Who said that?
@Home_Halfway
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
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@PatsATweetin
@Sickayduh
“Nice place!”
Mmmehh
“Hungry?”
Mmmehh
“You look nice.”
Mmmehh
“DO I EVEN MAKE YOU HAPPY?!?”
Mmmehh
“Mom told me not to date a goat.”
@cepheusjackson
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
@BoogTweets
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
@daddydoubts
My toddler and I have an ongoing contest where I try to prove I’m a good dad and he tries to prove me wrong.
@SamuelHLowe
Top 3 situations that require witnesses:
1) Crimes
2) Accidents
3) MarriagesNeed I say more?
@UncleDuke1969
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
@PaulyPeligroso
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
@Harbinger_one
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
@TheTweetOfGod
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?