“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
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My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.