@Home_Halfway

“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool

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@PatsATweetin

Dracula: Magic Mirror on the wall, who now is the fairest one of all?

Magic Mirror: Who said that?

@Sickayduh

“Nice place!”

Mmmehh

“Hungry?”

Mmmehh

“You look nice.”

Mmmehh

“DO I EVEN MAKE YOU HAPPY?!?”

Mmmehh

“Mom told me not to date a goat.”

@cepheusjackson

WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?

ME: Not good.

WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.

ME: I don’t think he read it.

@BoogTweets

Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator

Me: why

*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*

@daddydoubts

My toddler and I have an ongoing contest where I try to prove I’m a good dad and he tries to prove me wrong.

@SamuelHLowe

Top 3 situations that require witnesses:

1) Crimes
2) Accidents
3) Marriages

Need I say more?

@PaulyPeligroso

You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*

@Harbinger_one

I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.

@TheTweetOfGod

Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?