Dracula: Magic Mirror on the wall, who now is the fairest one of all?
Magic Mirror: Who said that?
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
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“You look nice.”
“DO I EVEN MAKE YOU HAPPY?!?”
“Mom told me not to date a goat.”
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
*from under the refrigerator*
My toddler and I have an ongoing contest where I try to prove I’m a good dad and he tries to prove me wrong.
Top 3 situations that require witnesses:
Need I say more?
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?