“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool

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Dracula: Magic Mirror on the wall, who now is the fairest one of all?

Magic Mirror: Who said that?


“Nice place!”




“You look nice.”




“Mom told me not to date a goat.”


WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?

ME: Not good.

WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.

ME: I don’t think he read it.


Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator

Me: why

*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*


My toddler and I have an ongoing contest where I try to prove I’m a good dad and he tries to prove me wrong.


Top 3 situations that require witnesses:

1) Crimes
2) Accidents
3) Marriages

Need I say more?


You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*


I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.


Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?