Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
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Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Previously On Persistence 😎
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Kids, do not try this at home!
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?