Can I donate fat instead of blood?
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Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.