Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
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Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast