“Can I get a refund if it grows back” is never funny to a Barber, but I say it anyway.

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saw someone spill their high end juice cleanse all over the sidewalk and now I know god is on my side


Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while


[walks into kitchen]

Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.


[first date]

ME: How do you spend your free time?

HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?

ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.


[first day as a train conductor]

coworker: you the new guy?

me: yeah, i guess you could say i’m in train-ing


me: so far this job is off the rails


me: so what do you guys do to let off steam

coworker: [sighing] okay that one was pretty good


[Thanksgiving Dinner]

“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”

“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”


This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.


Him: Are you ready?

Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.