@Turn2Dude

“Can I get a refund if it grows back” is never funny to a Barber, but I say it anyway.

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@runolgarun

saw someone spill their high end juice cleanse all over the sidewalk and now I know god is on my side

@HenpeckedHal

Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while

@UncleDuke1969

[walks into kitchen]

Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.

@UncleDuke1969

[first date]

ME: How do you spend your free time?

HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?

ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.

@notviking

[first day as a train conductor]

coworker: you the new guy?

me: yeah, i guess you could say i’m in train-ing

coworker:

me: so far this job is off the rails

coworker:

me: so what do you guys do to let off steam

coworker: [sighing] okay that one was pretty good

@3sunzzz

[Thanksgiving Dinner]

“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”

“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.

@SardonicTart

Him: Are you ready?

Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.