” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
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With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*