“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
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If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.