If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
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There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.