I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
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I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
The best plant holders?
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
That’s incredible! 👌
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350