Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
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Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Can’t, holding a grudge
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.