“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
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Dietest Coke
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
I’m about to risk it all
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.