Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.

My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.

If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.

If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?

When I lived in DC I once overheard a man tell a woman in a bar: “if the 19 people ahead of me all died one day, I’d be the acting Secretary of Agriculture.”

Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?

I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her

“I’ve invented the toaster”

SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?

“2”

SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8

[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?

Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.

Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.

Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!

HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?

I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.

“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood

Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.

Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.

“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account

Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!

Coronavirus: LOL

I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.

If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.

I know this now.

The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them

Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief

I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex

Son: Dad can sand melt?

Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t

male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives

Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.

People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio

Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?

Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.

Emperor: That sounds plausible.