. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
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Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂