Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
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8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
I’m pretty like a car crash.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.