Her: what’s your favorite thing about our date tonight?
Me: that it’s almost over
“Can I see your ID?”
*lowers them again*
“What are you doing?”
I don’t know.
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I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
I go in bars in a suit & tie, drink all night & write tweets down in a notebook. They’re not quite sure if I’m the district manager or not.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
*shoots self in foot*
“Damn i like the metaphor better”
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*