“Can I see your ID?”
Sure, it’s…
*lowers sunglasses*
*raises them*
*lowers them again*
“What are you doing?”
I don’t know.

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Her: what’s your favorite thing about our date tonight?

Me: that it’s almost over


I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…


Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.



Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.


I go in bars in a suit & tie, drink all night & write tweets down in a notebook. They’re not quite sure if I’m the district manager or not.


If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.


*shoots self in foot*

“Damn i like the metaphor better”


I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.


1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!


*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*