@WigCannon

“Can I see your ID?”
Sure, it’s…
*lowers sunglasses*
*raises them*
*lowers them again*
“What are you doing?”
I don’t know.

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@Crunk_Jews

Her: what’s your favorite thing about our date tonight?

Me: that it’s almost over

@BarneysNose

I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…

@Wordesse

Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.

Me:

Husband:

Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.

@EllDavey

I go in bars in a suit & tie, drink all night & write tweets down in a notebook. They’re not quite sure if I’m the district manager or not.

@WheelTod

If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.

@Macar00ny

*shoots self in foot*

“Damn i like the metaphor better”

@BoomBoomBetty

I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.

@iJesseWilliams

1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!

@ProdigyNelson

*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*