“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
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Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”