“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
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being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”