Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
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Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean