Immortality sounded great when I was 23, but now that I’m 38 it just sounds exhausting.
“Can I substitute my side salad for a bowl of gravy?”
-Me, at any drive thru
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The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Nicki Minaj is my favorite teletubby
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Pro Tip: Don’t EVER tell a 10yr old boy that you don’t “get” X-Men.
Because. They. Will. Explain. It.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
When you’re checking for murderers in your house, don’t just yell out “hello!” that gives them the upper hand.
Yell, “YOU AINT SHIT!”