Did…did a minotaur write this
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The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday