An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.
Octopuses call that “leg day.”
“Can I substitute my side salad for a bowl of gravy?”
-Me, at any drive thru
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You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Suicide terrorists: jokes on you! Virgins totally suck. Have fun jerking off while she cries.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Sorry man I cant come over. Im busy playing nunchucks
“Dont you mean playing WITH nunchucks?”
*tosses another nun off the overpass*
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.