@Dani21013

“Can I substitute my side salad for a bowl of gravy?”
-Me, at any drive thru

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@all_about_today

Immortality sounded great when I was 23, but now that I’m 38 it just sounds exhausting.

@CulturedRuffian

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.

@daddydoubts

My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”

@callie_cakes

Pro Tip: Don’t EVER tell a 10yr old boy that you don’t “get” X-Men.

Because. They. Will. Explain. It.

@CulturedRuffian

My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.

@1followernodad

When you’re checking for murderers in your house, don’t just yell out “hello!” that gives them the upper hand.

Yell, “YOU AINT SHIT!”