“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
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Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*